The Four Percent
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Like many parents, Rob Corddry turns to Twitter to share funny anecdotes about life with kids.
The comedian and his wife, Sandra, have two daughters, Sloane and Marlo. Over the years, he’s tweeted about kid jokes, baby drama, mealtimes and more.
In honor of his birthday, here are 30 funny parenting tweets from Corddry.
Playing 20 questions with my daughter. Her: Am I a spoon?
Me: No.
Her: Am I 20 spoons?— rob corddry (@robcorddry) September 12, 2011
I would prefer that the sun die forever than apply sunscreen to my children one more time.
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) August 20, 2011
7yo daughter: My nose is a booger museum and my fingers are the visitors.
Me: …are you a genius?— rob corddry (@robcorddry) July 21, 2016
Guy on the plane raining F-bombs while trying to fit his huge bag overhead. Good thing my kids are wearing their fucking headphones.
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) January 9, 2016
“Mommy, check me for lice again, it feels so good.” -my 6 year old
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) June 30, 2012
Just introduced my five year old daughter to Joni Mitchell’s Blue. Fuck you, future boyfriends!
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) May 28, 2011
After asking her three times if she wanted more food my 13yo daughter called my wife “aggressively nurturing”
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) October 19, 2019
5 year old asked how many seconds until we leave for playground. Wife said “a bazillion”. 5 year old left, counting. Is that child abuse?
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) June 18, 2011
10yr old daughter has a stuffed Ewok and deoderant on her birthday list. The spotlight on this moment in time is almost too much to bear
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) June 14, 2016
My 5 yr old daughter is referring to the Dallas Cowboys as “the whites”. As in “Is it over Daddy? Did the whites win?”
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) November 3, 2013
My four year old: One day I want to go to Hollywood. Me: You live in Hollywood. Her: Oh. (pause) One day I want to go to Party City.
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) August 11, 2010
Two year old just pulled the best April Fool’s prank. Went into my desk drawer and threw all of my staples on the floor. Classic!
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) April 1, 2009
My 9yo: Just tweet “My daughters are obsessed with blah blah blah and you think blah blah blah about it” and make it funny.
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) May 20, 2018
Me: That star is Venus
Daughter: Venus rhymes with penis
Me: Yup
Daughter: Speaking of penis…
(I live infinite lifetimes of possibility in 1 second)
Daughter: Penis rhymes with genius
Me: No, but you’re my favorite daughter— rob corddry (@robcorddry) November 17, 2017
Spent 15 minutes in the bathroom escaping from my children. The toilet is like my dad’s workshop. Gonna start building models in there.
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) April 12, 2009
Two year old woke me up early asking for whipped cream. Taking a stupid nap!
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) February 23, 2009
Gearing up for a two hour two-year-old marathon. Sesame Street? Mm-hm. Go Fish? Perhaps. A snack? Bet your ass.
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) February 28, 2009
My 8yo daughter just paused her guitar practice for a costume change
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) July 3, 2017
Wife: The Romans were gluttons. They overdid everything.
11yo daughter: You can’t overdo water parks.— rob corddry (@robcorddry) July 31, 2017
My 7yo daughter: I’m going to eat trout in my underwear.
Me: You will change the world some day.— rob corddry (@robcorddry) August 12, 2016
Watched The Three Stooges with my three year old daughter this morning. Now that’s just solid parenting.
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) August 1, 2009
True: My daughter just approached with plastic toy heart. “Daddy, be careful with my heart. It’s delicate.” Okay, Universe, I get it!
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) March 7, 2009
If baby tears were money I could buy a yacht made out of gold.
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) October 4, 2009
Dear My Two Year-Old, I can’t remember how the “boom story” goes, why don’t you have a tantrum? Oh, you are? Perfect. Love, dad.
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) March 21, 2009
Me: Sloane is eating her bagel with her mouth open
Sloane: Don’t tweet that
Me: I won’t.— rob corddry (@robcorddry) September 27, 2019
7yo: Daddy, will you be on the Oscars someday?
Me: Once, definitely.
(pause)
In Memorium.
(pause)
The death reel.
(pause)
You don’t get me.— rob corddry (@robcorddry) February 28, 2017
My four year old just declared that gingerbread houses are her “best enemy”.
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) December 31, 2012
Me: Hey, did you hear about that new restaurant on the moon?
My 12yo: Just tell me the punchline
Me: It’s good but it doesn’t have any atmosphere.
12yo: Hm. Ok.
*pause*
How many stars does it get?
*pause*
Me: You win again— rob corddry (@robcorddry) October 6, 2018
8yo: My steak’ s fatty
Wife: The cow was out of shape. Meat is muscle. So if you’re out hiking w your buddy and he dies, eat his butt— rob corddry (@robcorddry) August 5, 2017
9yo: Here’s a math joke. Do you know what’s odd?
Me: ?
9yo: #’s that aren’t even
Me: Huh. Just went straight at that one, didn’t ya? Neat.— rob corddry (@robcorddry) May 19, 2016
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